Sunday, March 9, 2008

Who am I?

That's a good question. I've been finally taking the time to figure out who I am. My definition of myself has been evolving over the past 5 years.

I'm a 37 year old mom of three beautiful and smart young girls (aged 3, 4.5 and 6). Geniuses? No, but really amazing just the same.

I am a former scientist in the biotech field. I have 12 years of experience in the clinical laboratory setting in three different areas - food microbiology, forensic DNA, and medical genetics. After unexpectedly having 2 children in 2.5 years, both my work and home life suffered. I was gone 11 hours a day, and I had to come home and start my second-shift job - that of mother (my dh had shift work then and had been gone at night 2 weeks out of 3 and I had no help at home those nights). By the time my second daughter was 6 months old, and I had been back at work for 3 months, I assessed the situation: I was chronically tired, chronically late for work, and chronically distracted when I was at work. I rarely saw my husband because of his shift work (he was a displaced mechanical engineer forced to work shift work after being laid off in 2001's recession). My lab director was becoming increasingly irritated with me and I with her (a mother herself), and I just had enough of being passed over for additional job training opportunities.

I decided I had enough. I was done with being splintered, of being increasingly burnt out at work, and unhappy coming home to be "on" for my girls when I was exhausted. I dreaded coming home, and I frequently fell asleep reading them stories. Something was about to give, and it wasn't going to be my mental health. Fortunately, I was in a good financial position to come home without too much struggle, even though I was in a significant amount of emotional turmoil over the decision. I gave my lab director a generous three month notice so I could train my replacement while I adjusted to the concept of being jobless after 12 consecutive years of being employed.

I knew exactly what I was giving up: monetary compensation, intellectual stimulation, the prestige of working for a well-known private university, and essentially the whole pre-child identity that I worked so hard to create.

But I also knew exactly why it was important for me to walk away - I needed the chance to get to know my children deeply and be the one to directly influence their lives. I hated being on the fringe of their lives - even though my wonderful mother-in-law was more than an adequate substitute. She cared for them as if they were her own, and talked with them, played with them, lovingly cared for their needs.

I make no judgments on another mother's choices. But for me, the choice was easy. I needed to be with my children, as much as my children needed to be with me, and maybe even more so. I think much of this stems from a lot of my own childhood hurt with my own family. I was hurt because I was marginalized and unimportant to my own working mother, I had a distant step-father, and I was mercilessly taunted by my oldest sister. I was already on the road to healing from that damage on my own before I had kids, but I didn't realize how much further I was able to heal once I had my own and I could give everything I wanted to receive (emotionally, not matierally in case you were wondering). I also realized after becoming pregnant with baby girl #3 three months after I quit my job that there would be even less of me to go around between work and home. Even my wonderful mother-in-law, would have been hard pressed to juggle three of them under 3.5.

I have a lot of thoughts and I can be a pretty prolific writer. I'm really excited to have a place to journal. I've never really been able to finish pen-and-paper journals, because I get tired of writing by hand and critique my handwriting. Sad, isn't it. I've always been better using a computer.

I have another blog too, at Growing In Peace, where I journal the progress I make at teaching my girls lots of things, giving them a solid foundation in math, science, while also nurturing creativity.

As for how I will continue to evolve, well, I hope that's what I can figure out through journaling my thoughts. I have many interests, and I consider myself to be an autodidact, so I really have no idea at the moment what's to come next, but I am sure interested in finding out who I want to become.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi, and welcome to the mommy scientist community! I saw your comment on Mother of All Scientists, and followed it over here. I look forward to reading your posts. I myself am a 24 year old married graduate student in a STEM field, and my husband and I are hoping to start having kids in the next few years. I think a lot about how I might (or might not) juggle family and work. I look forward to reading more of your posts, and checking out your other blog a bit, too.

KC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KC said...

Thank you so much for posting. I'm looking forward to some serious introspection on where I go from here. I have about 2 years to consider my options.

I hope in the future, when it's my girls' turn to decide between work and family, that major progress has been made with regards to supporting working women. Women in other developed countries have much more flexible options.

I think that women in America can have it all, but not necessarily all at the same time, at least the way our culture has been set up. I hope to spend some time on the topic of feminism in America, versus feminism in other developed countries. It seems like we looked at only one side of the coin (equality in the workforce) and consequently lost ground at home (because early feminists forgot to consider what to do with the children once they got the high powered jobs they fought for).

In my opinion, children are wonderful and fascinating, and even despite the major detour my life has taken, I wouldn't go back and change a thing. I'm very optimistic about the future. Of course, then again, I haven't yet put my resume out there. But I think I'm mentally prepared for disappointment, and will probably pursue a graduate degree if I can't find satisfactory employment.